VLC™ Fuckers

2010-01-05T19:11:00.000-08:00

The Wax Bath Myth

2010-01-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

So, after watching the movie Wanted, we became intrigued by the wax bath scene's and wondered if we could recreate something like that in our own home. A little research proved fruitful as we discovered the history of wax used for healing. Roman healers used paraffin wax on fresh wounds to mildly anesthetize, reduce blood flow and clean wounds so that when the wax was removed there would be a fresh, clean, slightly painful wound to be stitched up. Medieval healers dipped body parts in wax mixed with oil to help heal bruises, toughen the skin and muscle and increase the white blood cells under the wax. I've seen it asked many times, does the wax have healing properties itself? No, sorry, it doesn't.

What the wax does is heat the skin, increasing the flow of white blood cells and antibodies to the site, soften skin and muscle to reduce future injury and RSI and a handy side effect is that it softens skin whilst firming it. Wax dipping can be used to cleanse hands, feet and most areas of skin of oil based products, greasy substances, as treatment from arthritis, diabetes, many skin related problems and as a beauty treatment for softer, firmer, younger looking skin. The wax bath is tricky, because you have to trust the person watching you that they make sure the wax won't cover your nose and that you don't ingest it.

In a wax bath, the wax keeps the water and body warm, allowing blood to flow freely and the body to work faster, thus cutting the healing time from days or weeks to hours or days. An hour under wax in a bath will heal most surface bruises, muscle damage, ligament damage, scratches, scrapes and mostly heal deep tissue bruises, cartilage tears and speed up the beginning process for bone breaks, internal problems and can even alleviate respiratory and sinus problems like chest colds, coughs, wheezing and flu symptoms. I've been a smoker for an ungodly number of years and two wax baths a week have helped me breathe better for longer periods of time.

HOWEVER, and this is a big one, if you consider using a full body paraffin wax bath to help with any of the problems, symptoms etc that are listed in this entry, please, for the love of god, consult your GP FIRST then find a professional! Allergies to paraffin are not all that common, but are not so rare that they don't test for it. I did it on my own at home, but then again I don't have a lot of sense and tend to do stupid shit a lot. I am not all knowing, and won't take responsibility if you kill yourself because you were an idiot.

Case Study - What happens when you shot a dozen red bull™.

2009-04-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

I recently began to wonder about the effects of shotting different non alcoholic liquids, so some friends and I set out to unravell the mysterious unknown. Our first brain wave was Red Bull™, so we bought a dozen cans each, set up some shots and began to experiment.

First hour.
First through third cans.

Nothing really happened during this time, no one logged any throne time and no ill effects were noted other then a slight increase energy.

Second hour.
Fourth through sixth cans.

This was where the fun began. One friend nearly burst the banks and rushed to the almighty porcelain bucket, while another began to fidget seriously, talking a hundred words a minute. As I regularly drink high amounts of caffeine, the drink was taking it's time to work.

Third hour.
Seventh through ninth cans.

Someone threw up during this period. The puke was a sickly diseased yellow and had annonymous chunks throughout, strange enough for someone who started the experiment not having eaten in nearly ten hours. Notably higher usage of the toilet occured and several people began to jump up and down in an attempt to use the excess energy. We turned the music up and used it as an excuse to mosh.

Fourth hour.
Tenth through twelth cans.

We're all seriously wondering wether this was a good idea. One friend reports neon green piss, another regurgitates a bottomless black pit and yet another is bouncing around on the trampoline like his life depends on it. I'm feeling quite giddy by this time, flying on a caffeine high that's actually more like things have sped up a bit. It's more like being a hyperactive ten year old whose been fed too many red frogs and I have experienced the neon green toilet visions. We've far surpassed the 'safe' daily dosage and fear that the caffeine may have lasting effects. If we ever decide to do anything that stupid again, someone, please knock us out till we see sense. It just goes to show that there are warnings on things for a reason, most of the time.

How to: Survive a Vampire Attack

2009-03-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

How to: survive a Vampire attack.

However unlikely it is that you find yourself in a predicament that calls for this sort of information and preperation, it's always useful in the event of such an occurance and as a 'good for a laugh' boredom buster.

Vampires, depending on your prefered movie/myth, are supernaturaly strong beings, belonging to the undead legions, that suck the life force from us mere mortals, be it sanguine, aural, sexual or emotional energy. They attack carefully, often in crowded clubs or dark, foreboding alleys.
If these things scare you, even a touch, and you worry of an accidental meeting with one, there are several things you should do. Keep in mind that different things work for different kinds of vampires, and again for different clans, so when all else fails, use the method that never does.
Also, vampires are already dead, so you can't kill them persay, but destruction of a thirsty mass is always an enjoyable event.

1. Prepare your home.
First things first, things that will bring about the doom of any life force sucking evil dead guy.

A. The thing to remember is that vampire's are not invincible, they can be killed. Stock up on wood, either ash or aspen, and fashion it into stakes. Ash and aspen are typically holy trees, thought to protect religious places of importance, so naturally they will be useful. However, using stakes requires precision and aim, so it's best to use a staller before hand if you don't have a good eye. These stakes can be strengthened by carving religious symbols into the pointy end, catholic symbols are the best for this. This method works best on your average nightwalking psychic or energy vampires, not so much on the bloodsucking kind, but always remeber, AIM FOR THE HEART.

B. If you're a science and technology buff, this one might come in handy not only for demolishing suckers, but as a boredom buster. Using god only knows what, figure out a way to harness sunlight, or something fairl similar. Bullets would be the best option, but unless you know your way around a gun and have a stockpile of ammunition on hand, this may be problematic. This method is also problematic if you encounter daywalkers, though they are generally harmless in sunlight provided they aren't more then a couple of thousands of years old. Biblically old vampires will be immune to almost everything except the below.

C. Sharp knives, axes, scythes and swords are always handy to have around the home in the event that one of the affore mentioned methods doesn't work. The only sure way to destroy a vampire is to behead it, so keep your weapons handy, sharp and practice with them so you know how the weight of them sits in your hand. Practicing with more then one type of weapon at a time is also good, as you never know what you'll be able to grab.

Once you've got these down, you'll need to make sure you've got a handy staller. These are best to keep on your person, but extras strewn around the place don't hurt.

D. The age old trick of domestic housewives and pizza joints the world over, garlic is a sure way to slow down and even deter a hungry vamp. It's pungent smell and sharp flavour are particularly offputting for this type of undead soldier and will work for all types of vampire.

E. Not only is holy water a powerful deterant for demonic spirits, but it burns vamps like a motherfucker. Garunteed to slow the bitches down, just chuck a crucifix or roasary beads in a body of water and VOILA.

F. Some people actually believe that silver is only poisonous to werwolves, silly them. Silver is considered the purest of metals, therefore, logically, it will harm any form of demonic beast. Darts, bullets, spears, throwing knives, anything pointy and throwable is helpful here. Silver won't vanquish a vamp in small doses, but enough of it will generally make mince meat of your average sanguine or energy nightwalker.

G. Crucifixes are plenty wonderful for not only slowing down any night time nasties, but they also help your neighbours think you aren't clockwork orange material. NOTE: don't confuse crucifixes with crosses, many people die because of this simple mistake. A crucifix has an efigy of christ on it, and remember dorks, hold it right way up, the long bit at the bottom or all you'll do is advertise that you're a real tasty kind of jerky.

H. If you can get a hold of it, dead mans blood is dead, excuse the pun, useful. It's pure poison for vamps of any age or kindred and a spray will make them sick and weak, though injecting it works best. It will kill a vamp, but not quickly, handy if you need to weaken one for torture or information purposes.

2. Learn about the different types of Vampires.

A. Psychic vampires feed off of your aural energy and your emotions, so if your feeling particularly blue around certain people, splash them with a little holy water just to be certain. Psychic vampires are hard to pin down as they tend to be loners, but they need physical contact to get a hook in so they can drain you, so be wary. Generally speaking, psychic vampires are loners with a penchant for travel, often found in groups of gypsy's, circus folks, any job with a passport requirement really. Though finding psychic vampires is rare, they are nightwalkers and all of the mentioned methods for destruction are garunteed to work.

B. Energy vampires are a little like psychic vampires, but they feed off physical energy, so if your new bed, gym or jogging partner has you feeling more worn out then usual, chances are they are feeding on the sly. These puppies usually stalk clubs and raves, as the energy levels are high, and usually so are the customers. They hunt in pairs or teams of up to four, so be wary.

C. Sanguine vampires are harder to classify, simply because they are the most common and the most varied species of undead. They feed off blood and have these lovely fanged canines which helps identify them.
i. Your typical gruesome looking vampire, looks like it belongs on the set of Lost Boys, Buffy, Angel or Supernatural. They are fast, strong and often thirsty, but not very smart. Staking works best on these guys.
ii. Your average, human looking vampire, such as the cast of Blood Angel, Dracula 2000 and Bordello of Blood. These creatures ARE smart, sunlight is not nice to them, although won't kill them.
iii. Your average, noticibly non human vamp is beautiful, seductive, wily and very cunning. Such vampires as the cast of Vampyros Lesbos, Queen of the Damned and The Hunger.
iv. Your average, beastial vampire, such as kindred from Underworld, Van Helsing and the Blade series, is smart, but not when accosted with the bloodlust. These are brutal killers and the only sure way to kill them is by lopping off their heads.
v. The human vampire is one with no evolution, but an insatiable bloodlust such as Salems Lot, Rabid and The Wisdom of Crocodiles. They feed on cuts, without the use of fangs as other kinds have. These kind are slow, easier to kill with any number of ways.

To understand the species a little more, here is a list of movies to watch.

3. Disposing of the bodies.

To dispose of the corpses of vanquished fangs, simply remove the head and the heart and burn to ash in seperate fires. Either bury the ash, still seperately, on holy ground, or scatter to a strong wind. Seperating the pieces and ash ensures that no regeneration can occur.

2009-03-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

You know what really shits me off? Parents who think they can stick their fingers in the control of your life. I'm nearly 20, and I have a 2 year old son whom I'm responsible for, not to mention my partners just been made redundant so that's 2 people besides myself who I have to budget for each week. My mother decides, regularly, to take control of my finances, and subsequently my freedom, by paying off laybys and buying me cool but utterly unnecesary things which I MUST repay her for, nearly immediately. I had my glasses on layby as I couldn't afford 400 odd dollars upfront and was paying them off regularly so what does she do? Without consulting me, she pays them off and lumps me with the news that my next pay check is hers now. Now, as does everyone I'm sure, I have bills. Phone, rent, groceries, countless things I have to make regular payments for and compared to her, they mean nothing. She actually expected to get more then half of this weeks pay, leaving me with $60 to pay my phone bill, buy groceries and cigarettes and make sure that I have money for bus fares etc. Fuck that for a joke.

Little Match Girl

2009-03-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Little match girl

She sits on a corner, she just cries
A tear stained shade of black is her demise
Shadows cloud her mind
Ever present is the scent of her oblivion

Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Answer her unheard prayers
Sitting in the snow, counting her madness
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Pray strength finds her
The warmth of some ones arms
Devastation be gone
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
No one cares

It barely registers; she’s all but dead
Countless days she’s drifted from one hate to the next
A place to hold her thoughts is hard to find
No one cares

Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Answer her unheard prayers
Sitting in the snow, counting her madness
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Pray strength finds her
The warmth of some ones arms
Devastation be gone
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
No one cares

Like a bird she flies from destruction to destruction
Careless aimless without a love in the world
No one cares
No one cares

Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Answer her unheard prayers
Sitting in the snow, counting her madness
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
Pray strength finds her
The warmth of some ones arms
Devastation be gone
Reach out a hand to the little match girl
No one cares

©
Written by Vena Cavalera on the 19/06/06
All copyright laws apply.

Oompaloompas

2009-03-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Nigel vs. Billy

B: Oompaloompas are such funny things. With orange skin and green hair… whoever first invented them should be shot.
N: You can’t invent an oompaloompa. They are a species unto them selves.
B: They are a what?
N: A species
B: No they are annoying little orange men who always sing *in sing song voice* Oompaloompa doompety doo and squeeze the blueberry juice out of little girls who chew too much gum.
N: why are you are so predictable. You are like a broken record you just keep going and going till someone says * yelling* STOP. I never should have listened to the darned producer when he said I was going to be starring with a real character. They always embellish things that are oh so fantastical.
B: Quit using big words its hard for me to follow.
N: Get a brain you moron then things wouldn’t be so difficult.
B: I don’t want to be smart cause then every one would ask me questions and I would be as nasty as you then people would hate me
N: well I never at least people want to talk me. Not like you when all you do is open your mouth and everyone laughs at you.
B: It’s because I am funny
*interruption from producer* oi get back on the subject you loons *holds card up which says oompaloompa*
N: Billy do you know the origin of the oompaloompa?
B: No Nigel why would I. I kill them any way.
N: Well that one thing we have in common. Well Oompaloompas come from Wales. They are about 5”tree and have curly hair. Their brother’s name is Jamie and oooops wrong oompaloompa.
* Note from Rottweiler * I take no responsibility for any offensive words that are said or printed hereafter. All words contained herein are not my fault and the blame rest solely on the actor’s poor judgemental skills * loud coughing in the back ground and mug is thrown from actors to Rottweiler*
B: remind me never to let a DOG hire me next time
N: I protest at the thought of a canine being responsible for the downgrading of my genius. Its horrible the thought of what he has brought me to.
B: why are you calling him a dog when you are nothing but a crazy twisted lunatic of a second personality?
N: I am not a second personality I am merely a second side to very intelligent person and who do you think you are talking all you are is an over bloated stomach
*once again interruption from the Rottweiler* ladies please get a grip and move ON OR ELSE I WILL SET THE MENTAL HEALTH BOARD LOOSE *gestures to cage in which the mental health board members are going insane and acting like monkeys *
B: Hey Nigel, do you know how to kill an oompaloompa
N: no I usually let you do it. How do you kill an oompaloompa?
B: Well you take a very long range riffle and an exploding bullet and you…
*Disclaimer: we advise that you aren’t allowed to watch this because it contains stupid acts of oompaloompa violence and has no actual effect on your life unless you are an oompaloompa slayer like buffet or such *
N: No no Hello G rating here …
B: Opps forgive me chaps I had no intention of offence * imitates Nigel’s voice to which Nigel responds by slapping Billy’s head*
N: How dare you *begins to lay into Billy with the leg of a broken stool*
B: Remember the kiddies Nige!! Remember the G rating!!
N: *After calming down* Right right. Now back to the topic at hand.
*Disclaimer: We apologise but the program must be cut short*
N: Just what do you think you are doing?
B: here let me explain something to you mister Bull dog Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
N: Was that necessary? I think not
B: Well how else are we supposed to get the message across to him?
N: If you have any brain waves, however doubtful that is, let me know
B: *light bulb pops up over his head* I got it * a grid iron player appears on screen and Billy furiously writes a message on a piece of plexiglass and throws it to the grid iron line backer, who subsequently tackled the bull dog who’s name is norm and knocks him out cold before throwing the plexiglass on the floor, shattering it, and yelling score!!!!*
N: You absolute nit wit, now what is that hideous piece of (insert appropriate profanity here) going to do to us?
B: No worries *he takes out a mobile phone, calls a vet and gets the bulldog named norm neutered*
N: you stupid sodomite of a cowards lame ass excuse for his brothers wife’s mothers cousins sisters baby boys nannies god child’s grandmothers great aunts sisters husbands fathers brothers mistresses son of a (also insert profanity here)
B: th-the-tha-that’s all folks!!! *close curtain*

Lessons in Geography.

2009-03-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be daunting most of the time ... and in severe cases even deathly boring ... No one notices that the complex structure of our fragile society is CRUMBLING from beneath our feet ... We are turning into a mini America ... Our state of being is creatively being assimilated and manipulated into an isolated state of consciousness ... main streaming quiet lifestyles into major, almost influential, cult like semblances of social disorder ... if a celebrity finds a certain aspect of life interesting ... then the entire world follows his/her lead ... its almost as if the media have formulated a plot to make all cultural denominations IMPLODE ... the damnation of an older generation about this concern with modern cultures that the teenage era have also follows the scrutiny of the younger and impressionable generation ... my hypothesis now rests with GOTH being the next main streamed so called " social stereotype" ... has anyone seen the winter fashion line from Gucci and Prada? black lace and upside down, superimposed crosses ... its become a contest of tyrannical overlords of idiocy competing to see who can ruin the lifestyles of ACTUAL people, for fun I’m sure ... its funny how when I look at the main streamers, like emos and popular's and punks and skaters and the rest of them, and all I see is carbon copies of some poor, defenceless, and probably now starved of individuality, under recognised kids ... this makes me so mad I could quite possibly buy a mass produced and hard to trace weapon and hijack my way (with a spork) to the idiots who organise this type of crime ... and it is criminal ... its PLAGERISM ... no one person is being acknowledged or thanked for determining our social stereotypes ... when all of us school kids get it drilled into us from the first day of grade eight that if we plagiarise we FAIL ... has no one told these people, who make millions of dollars off the minds and insecurities of conformists, that they simply cannot, and that it is illegal to, take a persons lifestyle and make it a trend? TREND ... not exactly a four letter word but it equates with one in my books ... TREND is (thanks to the Collins new Zealand dictionary ... look!! no plagiarism here) a consciously fashionable person or a direction or unnatural tendency *which a person who is morally and fashionably challenged is cajoled into ... (* my addition) one phrase is clear, UNNATURAL TENDENCY, which makes it clear that this is not who they really are ... they are faking it ... pretending ... hiding behind a façade of false popularity ... where does that get a person? No where ... no where indeed ... and how much can you trust or like a false person? about as much as prison ... as any true individual can tell you, its not about the fact that MADONNA or Brittany is doing it, but rather the fact that is comfortable for you and also integrated into your personality ... an internal web of intricately placed likes, dislikes and opinions that is impossible to separate from that being ... instead, MEGAHEADS of fashion, music and media, in most forms, have used the conformists and wanna-bes of our population to infiltrate the lives, hearts and minds of our youth ... thereby creating an army of massive self destructive power ... are we in a war? I hope to god someone will wake up our nation and show them the extent of corruption in the "scenes" of today ... for what stereotype lies UNTOUCHED? countless ways of life have been lost through settlement and war and many other tyrannical and seemingly ideological and philosophical brain waves that man has had ... this thought process has obviously EVOLVED into a chaotic and unreasonably unchallenged extravaganza of amassed and wrongfully achieved power ... what will we have to stoop to before these idiots who follow TRENDS wake up and smell the shit they are in?